Welcome to my Blog: Surviving an Abuser

This is a compilation of my research on how to fix things in my marriage.

Men and women are wired differently. Men look at rewards differently than women do. Women are more emotional, need to vent their problems and share with their spouse by talking. Men will want to fix the issue.

Most men and women start a marriage off with roles they will play. They both may work jobs. The man is the fixer, the protector, the strength, the leader, etc. The woman is the helper, the cleaner, the child barer, the vulnerable one.

Over the course of the marriage things can sometimes change. The man may be the cook and the cleaner, the woman may be the stronger one, more leading and independent.

When women put more effort into a marriage, it’s normal for a husband to take a back seat and let her do the driving. When a guy’s wife puts a lot of effort into the marriage, to him, it may seem like he’s doing something right, which is why she is trying to please him.

And with that train of thought, he stops making a lot of effort because he already has everything he needs and thinks that he’s putting an equal amount of work into the relationship.

Traditionally, men are the ones who do the chasing and try to please their significant others by bringing them flowers, gifts, taking them out on dates, etc. They’re eager to please their partners and put the effort in to win them over.

However, as time passes, their efforts dwindle due to many factors, and they settle down into committed life. Your husband might not even be aware that he’s not affectionate or fulfilling your needs because you meet his needs for affection.

In most cases, the husbands are oblivious about how their wives feel! For them, the marriage couldn’t be better!

Men don’t do well with subtle cues and emotional undertones, as one might think. 

If you go to your female friends with this problem, they will empathize with you and understand how you’re feeling. However, if you go to a male friend, he may not understand your situation at all!

Why Do Husbands Stop Being Romantic?

Dwindling affection in relationships has many reasons. Before you know what to do when a husband shows no affection, you should know why a man doesn’t show affection.

• Different Love Languages

You and your husband may have different love languages. While you may like being held and cuddled, your husband may prefer acts of service or quality time.

• Communication Issues

You and your husband may be experiencing two different marriages altogether! For him, things couldn’t be better, but you might feel like your needs aren’t met. Have you had a talk about your needs? Does he listen and respond with sincerity?

• Different priorities

Your husband may be prioritizing other things, such as his career, finances, his hobbies and family. A woman’s priorities tend to lean towards children, work and husband.

Can a Marriage Survive Without Affection?

That depends from person to person.

No affection in a relationship can cause serious damage over time.

Mutual affection is key to a happy and long lasting marriage. Lack of affection from a husband or wife, can stir things up in your relationship.

If you feel that your needs aren’t being met, you might start to grow resentful, and problems may begin manifesting in your marriage.

This issue can seem small and insignificant initially, but it can create a lot of distance between you and your partner over the years. You may start feeling rejected, lonely, frustrated, and hopeless.

Once one of you becomes tired of trying to communicate with no results, these feelings will have a negative impact on your marriage’s health and longevity.

So, it is always an excellent idea to address the issues you’re facing instead of letting things go too far.

Things To Do When your Spouse Is Not Affectionate Or Romantic

You cannot change or manipulate your partner into treating you differently, but you can change yourself. Bringing about positive changes within yourself will act as a catalyst to bring a change in your marriage.

Love is about you, not them. Loving yourself and learning who you are allows you to love and give love in return.

Here are a few things to do when the spouse shows no affection: 

1. Acceptance

Learn to accept your spouse the way they are, Instead of focusing on where he or she is lacking, focus on the qualities brought to the table.

If you start accepting your spouse for who they are, things will be easier for you and your partner. Sometimes the acceptance can help build up the affection needed. When you feel accepted for who you are, you are willing to give love and acceptance to others.

2. Appreciate

Start appreciating your spouse for what he or she is doing for you. This will act as positive reinforcement and they will naturally start doing more things that make you happy.

When you focus on good things, every problem seems easy to get by. 

3. Avoid social media

Steer clear of social media. All relationships seem perfect to an outsider. However, that usually isn’t the case in real life. Don’t post personal issues, fights, annoying habits, and other tense things. Social media is a decorated wall of happy moments, not the marriage life.

4. Look within yourself

Go inwards and reflect why you keep thinking, “my husband/wife is not affectionate or romantic or, why he/she never does anything special for me” often.

It is usually the lack of gestures that triggers within you that bothers you, e.g. the lack of hugs, kisses, cuddling, intimacy, etc.

5. Communicate

Being forthright from the beginning of you relationship is a must. Then you can communicate the issues in a friendly way and ask him/her to do something for you to help start the changes needed.

6. Complain reasonably

Make sure when you discuss problems, you keep your tone warm. It will make it easier for you to talk about the issues and avoid conflicts.

7. Pay attention

Learn your spouse’s love language and see how they show you affection. Steer them in the right direction if he/she is unable to keep up.

It might be the case that your spouse is a different kind of romantic, and you are unaware of how they show their affection. 

8. Avoid overthinking

Stop yourself from contemplating the thought, “my spouse is not affectionate or romantic.” The more you think that thought, the more pain you will cause yourself.

Overthinking will only lead you to negative thoughts, which will harm your relationship. Instead, you can try focusing your thoughts on positive things.

9. Stop criticizing

Quit trying to change your spouse. Criticizing him/her will make him/her feel rejected, and he/she will start pulling away.

Nobody wants to feel embarrassed or not good enough. So try to keep your tone empathetic when you suggest something. Rather than criticizing, give positive feedback and have them do the same.

10. Start positive conversations

Try to increase the number of positive interactions between you. Maybe try to do some things you used to do while dating. Start having fun times together again.

Positive communication will make you both feel happier, and it is one of the best ways to steer clear of conflicts and arguments. 

11. Increase intimacy

Build intimacy through shared experiences and sex. The closer you become to your partner, the more fulfilled you’ll start to feel.

Lack of physical intimacy in a relationship can make you feel detached from your partner. Try to make time for your spouse to be intimate. It doesn’t have to lead to sex every time. Try to create more of the little moments.

12. Focus on yourself

Start working on building your own life and devote time to yourself, hobbies, friends, work, etc.

When you start feeling fulfilled in other areas of your life, you’ll also start feeling better about your marriage.

Make time for yourself and reconnect with your soul. It will help you align your actions and thoughts in a positive direction.

13. Talk to people

Blow off some steam with your friends and talk to the people in your life about your issues. We all need to vent sometimes.

Moreover, talk to some couples who are going through the same phase or have been through it and ask for some ideas to work with the issue.

14. Be kind

Learn to be kind to your spouse always and try to understand their point of view as well. Kindness costs nothing but it’s worth a fortune.

If you just try to be kinder, you will notice that your partner will listen to you better. 

(THIS MAY NOT ALWAYS BE THE BEST SOLUTION FOR SOME WOMEN. WHEN YOU HAVE DONE THESE THINGS OVER AND OVER WITH NO RESULTS, SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO GET PISSED OFF AND HAVE A HEART TO HEART WITH YOUR SPOUSE FOR THEM TO REALLY SEE HOW YOU FEEL, AND HOPEFULLY THEY WILL START TO CHANGE SOME THINGS….BUT….THEY ARE WHO THEY ARE. THEY HAVE TO BE ACTIVELY CONSCIOUS OF MAKING CHANGES.)

So, in the end, learning to live with the changes of yourself and spouse becomes the ultimate goal. Learn to tweak the inconsistencies and love what is right in front you. 😊