Welcome to my Blog: Surviving an Abuser

I just recently, in the year 2022, realized that I need all 5 love languages. I have come to the conclusion that it is mostly because of my first husband, being with him since I was 16 till 38. How the abuse from him shaped all my needs, how I viewed relationships, and felt about myself as a woman.

There are five love languages, and you can often be a combination of more than one: words of affirmation, meaning you enjoy being told you’re loved; acts of service, which means that you appreciate when your partner does something like fix something broken or clean around the house; receiving gifts, meaning you like getting a little something every now and then, even if it’s just your favorite candy; physical touch, which could be a massage, occasional hugs or something more intimate; and then, quality time, which indicates that you like to hang out with your partner, just the two of you.

1. Words of affirmation

People with words of affirmation as a love language value verbal acknowledgments of affection, including frequent I love you’s, compliments, words of appreciation, verbal encouragement, and often frequent digital communication like texting and social media engagement.

Learning to respond to people in texting and on social media is important for these people. When someone makes a compliment, you should always respond with thank you. If someone asks a question, you should always respond with some type of answer. If someone says something funny, make sure to respond with something funny like an emoji.

Ignoring someone on social media whose words of affirmation is one of their love languages is a no no.

Written and spoken shows of affection matter the most to these people. These expressions make them feel understood and appreciated.

2. Quality time

People whose love language is quality time feel the most adored when their partner actively wants to spend time with them and is always down to hang out. They particularly love when active listening, eye contact, and full presence are prioritized within the relationship.

This love language is all about giving your undivided attention to that one special person, without the distraction of television, phone screens, or any other outside interference. They have a strong desire to actively spend time with their significant other, having meaningful conversations or sharing recreational activities. 

Quality time is a sign of how meaningful you are to that person and they are to you.

3. Acts of services

If your love language is acts of service, you value when your partner goes out of their way to make your life easier. It’s things like bringing you soup when you’re sick, making your coffee for you in the morning, or picking up dinner on their way home when you’ve had a busy day at work.

This love language is for people who believe that actions speak louder than words. Unlike those who prefer to hear how much they’re cared for, people on this list like to be shown how they’re appreciated.

This love language is important to both genders equally. Women love when their spouse or significant other chips in on household duties without being asked, and men love when their spouse or significant other keeps the house clean, fixes dinner, or takes care of certain errands because he is unable to get away during the work day.

4. Gifts

Gifts is a pretty straightforward love language: You feel loved when people give you visual symbols of love. It’s not about the monetary value but the symbolic thought behind the item. People with this style recognize and value the gift-giving process: the careful reflection, the deliberate choosing of the object to represent the relationship, and the emotional benefits from receiving the present. 

People whose love language is receiving gifts enjoy being gifted something that is both physical and meaningful.

Flowers tend to be the most thought of gift to give someone. Someone’s favorite candy is also high on the list. But anything you think could brighten someone’s day is thoughtful too.

5. Physical touch

People with physical touch as their love language feel loved and appreciated when they receive physical signs of affection, including kissing, holding hands, cuddling and sex. Physical intimacy, skin to skin contact and touch can be incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful emotional connector for people with this love language.

People who communicate their appreciation through this language, enjoy giving and/or receiving hugs, kisses, cuddling and being intimate with their partner. They value the feeling of warmth and comfort that comes with physical touch.

When I met my current husband, he filled so many of my love languages. Over the years I would get upset with him over things, not realizing that it was a love language he wasn’t currently fulfilling (basically the physical touch love language).

So I have written this information to learn a bit more about myself.

My husband gives me words of affirmation every now and then.His affirmation is mostly talking to me and saying “you got this”, “you are great at this or that”, ”I love the way you can easily laugh at yourself” and talking me through rough patches of my life or with my adult children, I guess you would call it ”verbal confirmation”. He does have a very difficult time with the affectionate words that women need, like: “you look sexy in that” or “you look pretty today”.

The acts of service he does for me, is something he is good at. He will drive somewhere just to bring me a jacket because I am cold, or he will help me outside and in the garage with things I am needing done, but I usually have to ask him more than once. He is good at helping to ease my burdens and make me feel taken care of and safe.

Then there is receiving gifts, where my husband will buy me something unique and out of the ordinary because he takes the time to know what my hobbies and activities are at the current time.

My husband is an introvert and has Asperger’s, so quality time can be different for the both of us. I need those moments of togetherness, whether they be eating together or watching a tv series together, going to a movie, taking a walk or just generally hanging out together. He started out doing very well with these things. Then after we got married they slowed down just a little. Over the years though, he has come to 1 out of 10 chance that any of these things will happen. I did have to have a heart to heart with him about this recently. He preferred to do his own thing with his current hobbies, becoming more selfish with his time after work and on weekends. He became used to me always being around to talk to, that he wasn’t giving me the quality time I needed.

I have learned that for someone with Asperger’s, that this along with Physical Touch is something that is very difficult for them to change no matter how hard they may try.

So many things change over the years of being married. Where you live, your health, your schedule and availability. These can take a toll on Quality Time in a marriage. With my husband and I, we used to go on hikes and go to different State Parks to visit. We used to have an older motorhome that we would stay in and enjoy the campfires and talking under the stars.

Then Covid came, and we didn’t go out anywhere, the motorhome got caught in a lightening storm and was no longer usable. Body pains and health issues have interrupted thoughts of hikes and walks. Physical intimacy became non existent. I started to do things on my own or with my friends just to be getting out and doing things. Girls weekends, dinners out, and beach vacations. I even bought a little Yorki-Poo dog to give me love and to love on.

Physical touch is the hardest for my husband, yet most important to me. If I give him hugs & kisses he will hug & kiss me back. I have realized though, that with my husband I have to plan any intimate moments, I literally have to schedule them so that he can be prepared. He is not a spontaneous person or into spontaneous moments. For many years of our marriage, no matter how many times I would ask or try to have physical intimacy, he would deny me. He had gained weight and was uncomfortable. His back was bothering him, his feet have pains in them, and then ability to perform was difficult so he just started to back away.

After having some serious talks recently, he has been trying, not as much as I would like him to, but he has taken me more seriously about my needs lately.

Covid had taken a toll on our relationship, but now that I have realized my neediness (LOL), I can give and receive our love languages as they are needed and try to work with being at peace in our relationship, because it is a genuine, loving and caring relationship.