Welcome to my Blog: Surviving an Abuser

I was that kind a child that always needed to have someone around. I had a sister until the age 6 and after her death I could not handle being alone. I would invite my friends to spend the night, and to come over and play. After church on Sundays I always had to invite a church friend to come over for the afternoon. 

As a young mother at the age of 18, having a child didn’t seem to help my loneliness. I needed to have my boyfriend around and I really needed his attention, which he did not give. 

I remember thinking that once I got married it would be better, we would be living together and he would be there for me. He was not. His friends were more important, even after two more children I still needed whatever attention he would throw my way.

Loneliness is when you share your deepest feelings with your spouse only to have them disregarded, and made to be trivial.

It is the loneliness that sees you craving physical contact so much that you scoop up every odd smile sent your way and start wondering what it would be like to have someone else in your life.

It is the loneliness that when you make yourself as vulnerable as you know how by taking a gamble and exposing your fears and hopes and dreams and your significant other responds by brushing you off.

It is a loneliness that sees you, at a gathering with several other people, playing your part of a happy couple, only to be treated as insignificant by the one you’re supposed to trust most.

It is the only type of loneliness that cannot be named for the shame it brings on you. Other types of loneliness are legitimate, but not this one. How, after all, can you be married and lonely?

It is the type of loneliness that, in order to combat it, you try to ignore it. You give away pieces of yourself in silent exchange for acceptance. Maybe, If you can be less you and more something else, then you will be accepted and, therefore, less lonely. 

You make changes, lose weight, dye your hair, even change your personality and start acting out of character of yourself.

Until, one morning, you wake up and realise that you have given away so much that you are a shadow of the shell of the woman you once were or even thought you were.

It is a sad place to be, to know you could have been more, your children could have fulfilled more for you and you could have been a much happier person if you hadn’t been so dependent on someone else’s love.

Forgiving yourself is a must and it starts with acknowledging your mistakes. Forgiving yourself doesn’t mean you accept or excuse someone else’s behavior, it’s about letting it go and preventing their behavior from destroying you. Only then can your shame, and guilt of what you allowed, and the sadness you felt for so many years be wiped away. 

As I have aged and now had many years of a comfortable relationship with someone that is truly caring, good, trusting and always there for me – I have found that there is something lacking. A different type of loneliness. The physical touch is not the same as in the beginning, the personal attention that you crave to have that makes you feel sexy and desired is not there, creating a loneliness that can be suffocating. This is a loneliness that can be fixed.

It’s not that you are an afterthought in someones daily schedule, it’s that the comforting physical intimacy you crave becomes an afterthought as you age. Talk to your spouse or significant other about this type of loneliness. Explain your feelings, needs and desires that have slipped away so silently. Together you can work this out.

Loneliness….

Is there ever an answer to loneliness?

The answer is YES

This is normal, it happens to all people. So don’t let it get you down and discouraged. Take a look at how your needs have changed over the years and adjust them to fit your relationship and make you a happier you.